Dear Bullies: An Open Letter I Wish I Wrote In High School

 Dear high school bullies,

I remembered not so long ago when I you guys talked about in me high school. Senior year of 2009, remember?

Let's go back... Shall we?

It still felt like it was just so yesterday when I was in the the hallways walking with my high school boyfriend at that time, when I heard you guys whispering "How can her boyfriend stand her?"

At that time, I didn't know what it meant. I just thought to myself that it was high school... everyone does that. Everyone at some point says something mean about someone just because they want to and that's part of growing up, yeah?

But it did not end there.

I remember the constant torture of you guys criticizing what my high school boyfriend and I looked at the time, what I wore, where I go to, what my family's like, my volleyball skills, my friends or even my uniform . 

And you know what's worse? I remember you talk about me when I was particularly going through what a normal teenager was going through at that time; body odor.

Do you guys remember after music class when you said nasty remarks on what I smelled like? I remember so clearly when the boys where laughing whenever I walked pass them. I also remember that time when our music teacher said "If you're a true friend, you'll tell her."

My friends then approached me after class and told me everything, that I smelled bad. That my uniform reaked especially after PE or after a volleyball game.

I cried.

Why? It's not because I felt bad about everyone's comments... It's because I had to tell my mom that she had to buy me new uniform when the school year was ending. 

My mom is a single parent who provided and sheltered me with everything but I didn't want to add to the expenditures at that time.

 Did you know that? Probably not because no one's ever asked me what was happening but my friends.

I also remembered that time after a school program where in one of you called me after class, screamed at my face in front of everyone with all your might telling me I was not good enough. You screamed that I should just die for everyone else to be happy. I remember that so bad. I remember that replaying in my head for about twenty times. In my head all I said was "What did I even do to deserve this much hate?" 

My mom went to school after that happened, remember? But you still continued to bully me online. You guys even made hate pages for me.

The happiest part of your lives was when my long time boyfriend at that time broke up with me. He couldn't stand you guys saying so much stuff about me and him. Who can blame him? We were young. He didn't deserve that so much scrutiny either.

What do I have to say to all of you?

Do you know how much I wanted to die that time? I didn't want to go to school. I wanted to transfer schools in the middle of the school year. I cried until my eyes hurt. I just wanted to stop breathing. I even took some pills to just get it over with. 

I hate it when some of you send me all these "You look good!" messages and "Sorry for everything I did in high school. Let bygones be bygones." Do you have any idea how much you tortured me that time? All the whispers, gossips, hate messages and mocking? Sorry can never suffice and no ample amount of doing nice things can ever make up for it.

I can't even phantom what has happened in your life that has made you into cruel people to find happiness in the sorrows of others. Life may have been really tough on you guys. I honestly still cannot find it in my heart to not feel bitter for what has happened to me. I hope that someday, I can learn how to forgive.

Thank you though... because all of you made me work on myself. Thank you for making me feel like like I wasn't good enough. I won't be the best version of myself if it wasn't for that experience.

I hope that you have recovered from whatever was hurting you at that time, causing you to lash out and hurt other people. I truly hope life has been wonderful towards all of you. I also wish that you stopped doing these to other people. I sure hope that your last victim was me.

Sincerely,
Lee Blanche