Thought Babble: Eating Disorder

10:29:00 PM

I decided to blog about something that is really personal. Most people may not know it... I could have just told 3 people in my life that I am undergoing through this struggle but now, I decided to open it up to the whole world.

I am a girl who is into intense sports. I did karate, volleyball, taekwondo and basketball in high school so that means that I was so physically fit. It didn't matter what other people say because I know that I was healthy and happy with what I am doing.

In college, I was fairly normal. I had normal weight and continued with my life as it is.  

2010 was the year when certain issues came, I started partying and I must say that it was the most exhausting days of my life. I would go out every weekend and not go home. I would just party, drink alcohol and all that. It was the worst lifestyle I had. 

This was what I looked like then. (2010)

I was thin and I look like I never slept. I am not blaming anyone though... That was the lifestyle that I chose and I can say that I learned a lot from it.

I stopped with that lifestyle and decided to take things more seriously. So came 2012, I just shifted and transferred schools, I had a lot of plates to finish (I am in Fine Arts, right?), I started dating my current boyfriend and everything was in place.

Then I started gaining so much weight. Every single time that I felt like I was so stressed, I ate. I ate tons and tons of food. There was even a time when my boyfriend and I just ate every time we had nothing to do just because we were both stressed with school.

I did not see it but I was gaining a lot of weight. I was 120 lbs and then after a year, I was in 145 lbs. I felt okay because my boyfriend was still here and he assures me how beautiful I was despite gaining so much weight.

Then things started to change... June last year, my boyfriend left for the academy so it was just me for a while. 

I didn't know what to do because every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I see this short fat girl with short hair staring back at me.

I didn't know what to do.

I was so unhealthy. 

What I did was I started to exercise religiously. I read all these articles online on how to lose weight immediately. I was in such a hurry because even the people closest to me are seeing it as well. 

My mom even told me that "Blanche, you're so fat and you look so unhealthy and unhappy." 

Whenever I'd see friends whom I haven't seen in a long time, the first thing that they'd say is "Tumataba tayo Lee ha."

My was filled with:

 "Ano nangyare sayo?" (What happened to you?)
"Ang taba taba mo!" (You are so fat!")
"Akala mo ang ganda mo? Ang taba mo! Iiwan ka rin ng boyfriend mo." (You think you're pretty? You are so fat! Your boyfriend will leave you.)

What I did, I worked out every single day. I did 50 jumping jacks, 40 crunches, 40 squats, 40 leg lifts, 30 jumping jacks, 20 bicycle crunches, 20 squats and 30 leg lifts. Yup, that's every single day.

When it was time to see my boyfriend after a month, I thought that I looked good because I was doing all these work out and diet but then... I still looked like this;

My boyfriend was even thinner than me that time. I told him that I felt so fat, that I didn't know what to do.

 I remembered him saying "Babe, workout twice a day and eat healthy. Drink lots of water too!"

I got so insecure because most of the cadets girlfriends I saw there were thin, pretty and tall. Since I cannot grew taller, what I did was just work out. So that's what I did. I did that for months and months. When January 2014 came, I still felt like I was fat despite all the workout and diet.

Despite people telling me that I lost weight, I still didn't believe it. 

That's when I started to starve myself.

At first, I ate 3 times a day with a small amount of rice. It went on for like 2 months. When I still felt like I was so huge so that's when I decided to eat twice a day. Then I started purging. Whenever I eat out with friends, I come home and puke it all out. 

There was even a time in summer that all I ate was tofu. I ate that once a day and I felt full.

I remember my friend asking me, "Blanche, bulimic ka na ba?" (Blanche, are you bulimic?)

I didn't know what to say because despite losing all that weight, all I heard was myself saying "I still look fat. I'm short and I'm fat."

One day I decided to post a photo of me. 

Friends started complimenting how thin I got and started asking how I did it. I can't answer them because I know that what I am doing was so unhealthy. It wasn't right. 

I still felt fat. I hear these words replaying in my head, "Ang taba mo na." (You're already fat.)

There was a time in my life when I got so depressed. That was summer, I was just so sad. Since I wasn't eating my body couldn't take everything in, I almost fainted in the restaurant. Good thing my friend was there to rush me to the Emergency Room. 

I didn't know that my body couldn't take it anymore so it just decided to almost shut down.

My boyfriend went home this summer and when he saw me, the first thing he said was "Kumakain ka pa ba ha?" (Do you still eat) How can I even respond to that right?

That didn't stop there. I felt like I wasn't good enough. I can't seem to forget the fact that a ton of people called me "fat", "piglet, "dambuhala" and so much more.

Last month, there was also an incident when I can't move my arms and legs because I didn't eat. Since I work night shifts, me not eating is such a no-no. 4 AM my boyfriend rushed me to the Emergency Room because he didn't know what to do.

Take note: I was 115 lbs by this time.

This is something that I really don't open up to others but I decided to blog it out so that people who are undergoing through the same thing as me will feel that you're not alone.

You are not alone. We are all going through this struggle of insecurity and judgement from society that even them cannot justify.

I myself is still recovering from this. I cannot guarantee that I'm a-okay because there are still moments where in I feel like I am never good enough.

 There are also times where in I think that I am gaining weight again whenever I eat a little junk food or soda. But what can I do? 

I remember my boyfriend telling me "Mas gusto mo ba mamatay kesa kumain ng konting kanin tatlong beses sa isang araw?" (Would you rather die instead of just eating a portion of rice 3 times a day?)

I know its difficult.

It's difficult because not everyday someone will remind you that you are good enough.

It's difficult because its not everyday that you wake up at the right side of the bed.

It's difficult because it's not everyday that you will hear good things about you from others. 

There are days where in people will give unnecessary comments about your body and you will want to purge, starve and not eat instead of hearing all these things over and over again.

Please remember that you are not alone. We are all going through the same process and we are going to heal. Don't forget to remind yourself that despite all these comments from people, what you see in the mirror and how you see yourself does not justify who you are as a person.

Me? I am still struggling. Whenever people tell me that I'm starting to gain weight,  I smile but inside, I am crumbling.

I'll get by. 

I try to think that some of these people do not know what I'm going through so these comments are unintentional. I try to think that maybe, I am gaining weight, but there nothing a little work out can't fix, right? 

We are loved. Never ever forget that. We will get through this, I promise!

You Might Also Like


  1. That's some courage up there. You're beautiful, Blanche! Whatever size you are. Remember that ;)

    1. Thank you so much, Bam! I appreciate it <3

  2. Hi, Blanche! I just wanna say how incredibly brave I think you are to go through and talk about something like this. I hope things get way better for you.

    I don't know if it means much from a stranger, but I've always found you really beautiful. :)

    1. Thank you so much for the kind words, Apple! I really really do appreciate it. <3

      You are a beautiful woman too. :)