Thought Babble: If I Die At 21...

7:05:00 PM

I watched If I Stay yesterday  and it was like the most depressing movie I saw next to A Walk To Remember. I couldn't even control my tears. In the middle of the movie I started sobbing like a baby until the end. I can't even... 

Anyway, that movie inspired me to write this blog entry today. 

In the movie, Mia had a terrible accident that affected her whole life leaving everyone off guard. She wasn't even able to say the stuff she wanted for the people that she'll be leaving. (I won't spoil the movie for everyone so I just gave a gist of it.)

So here I am trying to write everything I wanted to say to the people I love before its too late. Who knows right? Life has no guarantees. We are not even sure if tomorrow or the next day we'll meet a horrible accident, a life threatening disease or God knows what so I want to be able to say the things I want to the people who has made all the difference in my life.

It'll be like a reverse eulogy. These are the words I want to be read in my eulogy from me and I want my brother and my boyfriend to read it in front of everyone who'll be at my wake.

If I die at 21, here's what I have to say.


Thank you to everyone who came here to visit and pay their respects. You are probably here today because you're a family member who loves me unconditionally, a friend who will miss me, a colleague who became close to my heart, a not-so-close friend who felt guilty because we had a misunderstanding and I died unexpectedly or maybe you just wanted to be here because you never expected this but then again, thank you.

I asked my brother and my boyfriend to read this in front of everyone today because they are the two people in my life (aside from my mom who'd be too depressed and sad to read this) who will be able to handle this.

I know that losing someone at an early age may have come as a surprise to everyone... I know that it might not be ideal and scary but I'm sorry that I have to go. 

Family, You are the best bunch of people I could ever have dreamed of. Thank you for supporting and loving me in everything that I do. Thank you for protecting me and understanding all my mishaps. I'll always be loving each and every single one of you. 

Friends, Thank you for being there for me even if there were times that it was difficult to be my friend. I know that you all did your best to make me feel like I had each and everyone of you.

Patty, Nova and Joymee, Thank you for always defending me. I will miss you guys. You're the best set of girls a person like me could ever have. I hope that all of you achieve all the dreams that we have talked about. I'll be cheering for the three of you. Always.

Twine, I'm sorry if there are times where in I can't seem to understand you but always remember that you are my best friend. Thank you for all the love and understanding that you gave me for the past 10 years. You know me more than anyone else. Thank you for loving me despite my flaws. I love you to the moon and back.

Em, You're the first person who knows how to shut me up when it comes to all the negativity that I had to say. I was older than you but you knew all the right things to say to make me feel like I was never alone. Thank you for supporting me and your brother. Thank you for treating me like your sister. I know that you'll do great in life. 

Jaypee, Thank you for being my big brother. Thank you for knowing me by heart. Nobody has shown me that life has all the endless possibilities but you. Thank you for being you. You're the best. 

Vera, You always had my back on things even if you were so far away. Thank you for always giving me all your love and support even if it was so difficult to hear me ranting about what were both going through. I hope you end up with Ivan. I know you will. 

Arvic, To the most wonderful and supportive man I met my entire life. Sorry if I didn't tell you any sooner. I know that if I die, I've instructed everyone I know to tell you last because I can't even phantom the possible look on your face when you hear such news. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being the man that I needed. Sorry if you hadn't heard from me. Sorry I was such a pain to be with at times but thank you for loving me anyway. I know that you'll do great in life sweetie! I am proud of everything you have achieved. I love you always. Always. 

Blaine, I know that I don't express the love that I have for you because we're siblings and we're supposed to not show emotions in front of everyone but this time I will. I love you, little brother! Thank you for being my no. 1 ally in most everything that I do. I know that I am not the best example for you but I want you to be the best version of you. Okay? I'll always root for you.

Mom, You had this story about me when I was just months old. We were in BF Homes and it was just me and you. You were so scared because you had to do everything alone. You'd keep a knife under your pillow so if anyone would even attempt to get me, they can't. You were an 18 year old teen being strong for your first born child.  Thank you for everything you have done for me. I know that I was not the picture perfect idea of a child that you had intended me to be but I want to tell you that you have done the best for me and for Blaine. Thank you for facing each and every challenge on your own and you never showed everyone how difficult how it was to be by yourself. You will always be the first person I look up to. I love you beyond words. 

So now its time to stop crying. Regardless of this temporary loss that you're feeling about me passing... It will pass. Just think of it this way, I'll be watching each and every single one of you. But for now, its time to let go."

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