Letter To My 18 Year Old Self

7:17:00 PM

Blanche, you're finally 18! You are on your legal age and you finally get to do the things that you want, right? 

It was a year after High School... The trauma of bullying, heartaches that scarred you for life is done and you're finally at peace. You have finally forgotten about the intense cat calling and bullying (You know who you are, Juniors and some Seniors) because you were maturing way ahead of others, the way you dress annoys them and they rejoiced when your long term relationship with your first love ended. You're finally over it, Blanche. All you need is your closest friends, your mom and Blaine. You're a stronger woman now.

At some point, you'll feel that 18 was the perfect time to claim all your freedom and do all the things that you were restrained to do in High School. When you move to college, you'll be going to one of the biggest Catholic universities in the Philippines, have a boyfriend that's still in high school who makes you feel fuzzy and loved and also be in the course that you chose. (at that time at least) You're unaware of it but soon you'll realize that you're in a cultural shock. High School has been very conservative and sheltered that you just wanted to go ahead and do everything that college has in store for you. That's why after a year... you'll have to move out of that university. 

In your sophomore year in college, you'll be transferring into a small Christian university and feel a bit guarded. Its a new group of people and culture but you somewhat feel at home. You'll have a small group of friends who love you, ace your classes and feel the warmth of being appreciated about your achievements. But then, you'll have a change of heart. You'll realize that even if everything felt safe and secured, you needed to pursue your passion in design and that entails transferring to a new school. I know its scary but you'll love it! Along with that change is the end of your one year and six months with your boyfriend. It will hurt...but everything will be for the best. (years from now you'll still be civil-friends with him and his family) 

You went a bit dark after that. You thought that everything was falling apart and was not part of your initial plan in life. Since you hated change so much, you drank so hard, attended parties and went crazy with new found friends who were also undergoing through the same thing in life. It was a whole lot of drunken nights, flings, drunk texting and fights. You know what? I am still proud of you. Even if some of your friends were doing stuff that they weren't supposed to, you still were you. You were not pressured into doing things that were not part of your values and virtues. This phase in your life gave mom so much heartache and tears. At the end of this downward spiral, I'm glad that you were able to admit your wrong and apologize to her. That's strength (And oh yeah, you had a boyfriend for eleven months who cheated on you. He was not important though. He was a bad decision. You learned and its okay.) 

After that, you were a whole new different person. You thought that you were ready with a new long term plan. You were also so much closer to God and Mama Mary. You asked for forgiveness and prayed so hard for them to give you the utmost strength for this new phase in life. 

In 2011, you'll be in a new school where you're going to start over. (Again? I know. But don't get tired okay?) You'll shift to Fine Arts Major in Advertising Design and be in a college where Fine Arts is greatly acknowledged. It will be fun! You'll meet new friends, be in a course in which your passion is greatly appreciated, learn new things about art, have the best professors, eventually be the vice president of your college organization and have everything good going for you. 

Half a year after, you'll meet a boy who has the same interests and humor as you. You'll spend so much time together, he'll accompany you in movies that you want to watch, will win arcade games for you, do everything in your bucket list... You will fall madly in love with each other. Days were coming in so quickly and you will enjoy every bit of it. When you thought that everything was steady, he'll make a decision that will change both of your lives. He will be in a whole new different place and will be exposed in culture where you in you'll be left behind. He'll stay the same until the second year of your relationship. But eventually, he'll change. 

You'll accept all those changes to the point that you'll forget who you are just to save your relationship. He'll take advantage of your insecurities. He'll criticize how much make up you wear, those outfits that you pick for date night and your weight too. (Even if that was the skinniest time in you life) He won't tell you you're beautiful but he will be complimenting other girls that pass by when you're together. When you fight, he'll leave you hanging for weeks and make you feel that you have no right to be angry because he'll always tell you that "Wala kang karapatan magalit dahil mahirap ang pingdadaanan ko". (You have no right to get angry because you have no idea how difficult my situation is) That stuck. You'll think that this was natural for a boy in an academy to say. He'll be controlling and will make you feel that you'll never be as good in life as him. The naive you will make excuses and do everything just to keep your relationship together. At some point mom will tell you that you shouldn't be doing these things for him because if a boy loves you, he'll be the one to do these things for you. You'll ignore all the warnings and make excuses of how badly he treated you because you thought he was the one. 

He won't hit you but he'll play with your insecurities.
He won't hit you but you'll feel responsible for things that are not your fault because he'll never admit his. 
He won't hit you but he won't say sorry for doing you wrong.
He won't hit you but he'll let his friends say bad things about you.
He won't hit you but he'll leave you hanging.
He didn't hit you but he cheated on you after four years of being in a relationship.

It will hurt so much. You'll blame yourself for almost everything but this was never your fault, Blanche. If there was something wrong that you did, it was because you enabled him to take advantage of you. Forgive yourself, the next years of your life will be the best ones!

Around May of 2013, while all of these things are happening you're going to do great at your new work. It is not the work that you planned of having but you'll ace it! You'll meet new people from all walks of life, learn from their life stories and also realize that you're far blessed than you imagined yourself to be and appreciate all that mom and brother has done for you. 

In a year or so, you'll start a blog. You'll awaken your talent in writing. It will be your outlet for all the things that you've always wanted to share that could help other girls that are going through or went through the same thing as you. While working, you'll find time in sharing your thoughts, brands will trust you in reviewing their products and send you stuff to wear, your best friends will even take your photos just to produce great content on your next post  (I have the best set of friends who support me. Hi Nova, Ali, Patty, Joymee, Anj, Cara and Char!), you'll be invited to big bloggers' events and will have a pretty awesome reviews about the way that you write too!

In 2016, you'll meet a boy who'll make you feel like a princess. He'll respect your trust issues and accept you for the person that you are. He'll do everything in his power to keep you. He won't mind travelling from the other side of the city just to take you home. This boy will let you follow your dreams even if this means attending a social event where he needs to step back and carry your long train at the E! Bloggers Ball. It's scary to fall in love after your previous relationship but you'll soon realize that the best people are worth taking the leap for. You'll realize that its not the years that you need to count to know that he's your soulmate. 

You'll have a hard thought about life and get into a realization that you are now a young adult. You'll start planning your future and you'll definitely put yourself first. Its going to be confusing at first but you're so much stronger now. You now know that the people who stayed all these years will always support you in everything that you do. You'll figure out that  your family along with these people stayed in your life because they are the ones who are meant to stay with you forever. 

Its been six years and I must say that you did a pretty good job in pulling yourself together through life's challenges and heartaches. You'll face tougher challenges in the future but I know that you're stronger and wiser now. You're more than ready. 

Love,

The 24 year old Blanche

**I got this blog post idea from my friend, Camie Juan. Read her "Dear 16 Year Old Camie" post, here

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4 comments

  1. Loved reading this, Blanche! It's just so sincere and heartfelt. <3 Looking forward to more blogger events with you. Happy happy birthday!
    xx, Da

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Da! <3 More blogger events with you pls. <3

      Delete
  2. Happy birthday po... Stay pretty... 😇😇

    ReplyDelete