My Bullying Story

I recently watched 13 Reasons Why and the show has inspired me to share one of my experiences that really changed me into the person I am today.

Its really hard for me to write this story for it pains my heart to even remember these things. It left such a scar in my heart that I don't even want to open up but then I realized that me sharing these experiences can help save someone who is undergoing through the same thing as I did so I have mustered up all my courage to piece them all together.  

If you're reading this and you know that you have bullied me, you don't have to worry. I won't be putting up your name here and shame you for what you did in the past. I'll just be sharing my story and hope it helps another person cope and save herself from the demons that bullying has brought him/her.

I was in my sophomore year when it started. 

Well, high school; when everyone is confused with all the changes happening within themselves and relationships that they are trying to build. That's when it all started for me. 

I was a normal kid. I loved attending gigs, I cared about the outfits that I wear, I studied hard to get good grades and strive hard to be an officer of clubs. I do a lot of sports back then. I cared nothing but grades and volleyball. 

I remembered that there was this group of popular girls in my batch making an issue for my PE shirt that had sweat on it. I clearly remember the whispers and them pointing at my back whenever I'm walking on those halls. "Naamoy mo ba yun?" (Did you smell that?) was always the line that I hear whenever they talk. No amount of perfume, deodorant or change in uniform convinced them that I was clear from the smell of sweat from PE class. 

I remembered how I cried and refused to go to school. My mom even bought me new sets uniforms just to prove those kids that its nothing more than just that one time. But no matter what I did, nothing can convince them that I was okay. The more that I showed that I changed, the more that they spread weird rumors about me and how my PE shirt smelled like that one time. Yes, that one freaking time.

After summer of  our junior year, I thought that senior year would be a better year for me since everyone would be thinking about college and everything will be forgotten.

I was more than wrong. 

There was this younger batch of girls who wished me nothing but ill feelings. They were the ones who were big on expressing their iffy feelings towards me being their batchmate's girlfriend that time. They would post bulletins on friendster of how much I didn't deserve their basketball superstar.

I would walk our high school patio with random whispers and "parinig".

One girl would comment on the color of how ugly the color of my outfits were.

One girl would comment on how much of a social climber I am for the photo she saw me at Eastwood with Yael Yuzon.

One girl would roll her eyes at me whenever I pass by. 

One girl would say how much of a tomboy I was for watching Ateneo basketball games. 

One girl would bump me even if the halls were not crowded. 

I didn't mind them at first because who cares, right?

But the one of the instances that I remember the most was this girl. This younger popular junior girl went berserk at me after a school program. She told my batch mate to call me and started shouting at my face with random insults and stuff I can't even remember but I remembered one... I remembered her shouting "Kaya ka siguro ganyan kasi wala kang tatay noh?" (Maybe the reason why you're that way is because you don't have a dad.)

I was humiliated in front classes filled with students whom I didn't know and for reasons I don't even know. 

I cried so much that day. I cried so hard that I couldn't even feel my face and whole body. My friends called my mom and my mom asked the girl who instigated all the bullying to call her parents and have this issue settled once and for all. The principal at that time didn't think that my issues were at all that important since she thought that these are only petty fights or as she addresses them as "away bata".

Little did they all know that I wanted to kill myself since I was in my sophomore year for all the bullying and name calling. I planned a thousand ways to stop everything and I figured, why not just kill myself? I thought of slitting my wrists or taking my grandma's meds to overdose and get it over with. All the name calling, bumping in the halls and cat calling would just stop

The humiliation on the halls were just the cherry on top of the whole thing.

I went home with my mom that night, waited for everyone to sleep locked myself in the bathroom and bumped my head on the walls until I felt nothing. Those were hours of bumping my head and fighting hard not to reach and drink the Zonrox beside me. 

My mom found me a few hours after... I was asleep on the bathroom floor, drenched in sweat and lips pale due to the lack of oxygen. I cried so hard for her not to take me to the hospital and just let me lay there and die. 

My mom was one one of the strongest people that I know that's why my heart broke into pieces when she cried. She told me "Inalagaan kita ng 17 years mag isa para lang patayin mo sarili mo sa mga babae na hindi maintindihan sarili nila?" (I took care of you for 17 years alone for you to kill yourself for a bunch of girls who can't even understand themselves.) That's when I felt the shame of my attempted suicide kicked in. My mom took care of me all those years to just throw away my life for girls who shouldn't even matter. My mom was the most important person in my life for me to make her feel like that. 

So one day, I just stood up and said that I am going to live my life and other people's opinions about me shouldn't matter. I repeat that to myself a thousand times until it was finally true. Believe it or not, I still repeat those words to myself whenever I feel less of a person because of other people's awful words or criticisms towards me.

What would I want to say to all the bullies that almost killed me?

I tried to reach it deep within my heart to forgive you but I can't. I don't think that the scars of all the name calling would ever leave my mind and heart and mind. I know that high school was the most confusing part of our lives but it doesn't give you the right to mess with mine. I wish that all the things that you did to me won't be experienced by your kids for it will be the hardest thing they'll ever be going through. I wish that they'd never have to choose between suicide or staying alive.

What would I want to say for those people who are being bullied?

Pray and talk to someone about it. I know its hard and you'll try your hardest to make a sense of it all but it just won't. It won't because bullies do things or say things to other people to make themselves feel better. I know that you probably think that this is the worst part of your lives but I assure you that it will get better. Stick with people who make you feel good about yourself. You don't have to mind unnecessary opinions of other people because 10 years from now, I promise you that they won't matter. All that matters is that you are still alive, fighting and with people who appreciate you for being you. 

Do you think that you need help or you just want to talk about your thoughts? The Department of Health, together with the World Health Organization, and Natasha Goulbourn Foundation, launched Hopeline, a 24/7 suicide prevention hotline. Hopeline may be reached at (02) 804-4637; 0917-5584673; and 2919 for Globe and TM subscribers.

If you have thoughts about bullying that you'd like to share, you can share them on the comment section below. <3